I'm not the girl you hoped I'd be
“I would like to hook up with one of the great Japanese filmmakers, like the master that made Ringu, and I would like to take The Wicker Man to Japan, except this time he’s a ghost.”
—This is the greatest Nicolas Cage quote I’ve ever accidentally discovered
January 2012
34 posts
foodament
- Jenn: oh the job fair was wonderful
- Jenn: i walked in eating chicken strips
- Conci: HAHAHA
- Jenn: a guy from the army gave me a bag
- Conci: We used to eat a lot of those.
- Jenn: so i could put away my chicken strips
- Jenn: i said "oh thank you" and just carried it
- Jenn: ben cherry walked up to me
- Jenn: and he said
- Conci: JAJAJAHAHAHAJAJAJA
- Jenn: he SAID TO ME
- Jenn: "seriously jenn shouldn't you start thinking about your future"
- Jenn: i was wearing a lime green shirt with japanese kanji on it
- Jenn: and lime green dress slacks
- Conci: Ben Cherry! That's a name I haven't heard in years!
- Jenn: i was like
- Jenn: "ben
- Jenn: "it's on lockdown
- Jenn: "look at this upward trajectory"
- Jenn: *eats a chicken tender*
- Jenn: oh with MAYONNAISE
- Jenn: i think that's the part that really horrified people
- Conci: I love mayonaise and hot sauce.
- Conci: Or mayonaise and bbq.
- Conci: AND cheese sauce.
- Jenn: mmm
- Jenn: yeah i was mixing mayo and ketchup because the bbq sauce was always so bad in uh
- Conci: OMG how did I not weigh 5000 lbs...
- Jenn: what was the name of our food center
- Jenn: kellogg school of foodament
- Conci: Probably because as much as I ate that stuff I'd forget to eat 2-3 other meals.
- Conci: Norris.
- Jenn: well and we hoofed and biked everywhere
- Jenn: ah yes, "norris foodent center"
- Conci: Allison.
- Conci: nice
- Jenn: "allison fooding hall"
- Jenn: "tech"
- Conci: Oh god, Tech...
- Conci: Puke in its initial state.
- Jenn: no i lost weight in college because i ok i worked out at a gym but ALSO i started smoking but ALSO i was eating relatively square meals
- Jenn: but every morning that meal was
- Jenn: vanilla ice cream
- Jenn: topped with
- Jenn: froot loops
- Jenn: and for lunch
- Conci: Good lord.
- Jenn: a grilled cheese sandwich
- Conci: No wonder you have a brain tumor.
wedding dresses
- Jenn: CONCI YOU FUCKING TWERP
- Jenn: that is BEAUTIFUL
- Conci: Did you just call me a twerp?!
- Jenn: yes
- Conci: I thought you'd like it.
- Jenn: "oh la i sent you a little photo maybe you'll be interested la la"
- Jenn: FUCK YOU
- Jenn: that is AWESOME
- Conci: hahaha
- Jenn: i love the uh the structure in the top and the flowy OH you know why you like it?
- Jenn: because it's totally MARILYN
- Conci: Best part 2011 end-of-year sample sale...75% off.
- Jenn: it's got marilyn tits
- Jenn: i love it
- Conci: Oh I know. I actually went in with 1000 pictures of Marilyn and Marilyn-esque dresses.
- Jenn: yeah i think that is the best most flattering cinched-waist flowy sleeveless dress i have seen
- Jenn: just the right amount of tit
- Jenn: "church tit"
- Conci: I told Nihki I wanted sleek and stunning...like Marilyn.
- Jenn: i am obsessed with this idea
- Jenn: there is a perfect amount of cleavage
- Conci: Nice.
- Jenn: that really makes you look dressed up
- Jenn: too little
- Jenn: and you look like a farmer
- Jenn: too much and you're a strumpet
- Jenn: hard for us bosomy girls to find that UH DIVIDE, IF YOU WILL
- Conci: I'm naming my wedding the farmer and the strumpet.
- Jenn: oh my god
- Jenn: please also theme it that way
- Jenn: JK JK
- Conci: I think I'd be murdered in my sleep by various people.
- Jenn: so i am obsessed with the perfect amount of cleavage being, like, the most important accessory you can nail down
- Conci: ABSOLUTELY!
- Conci: Most dresses just aren't usually made for those of us with boobs, unless you have A LOT of excess everywhere else.
- Jenn: yeah
- Conci: Particularly if you delve into the over DD range.
- Conci: It's infuriating.
- Conci: I want to get famous enough to have someone design the Conci line for the short and well-endowed.
- Conci: VERY well endowed.
- Jenn: short and very well endowed
- Jenn: ugh
- Jenn: nailed it
- Jenn: "try to look sleek ladies"
- Jenn: uh
- Jenn: i am the brick shithouse of femininity
- Conci: hahaha
Alas we are not real life friends. Yet.
Oh. Well you are correct that I love trivia and reasonably-priced beer. What is your town’s trivia night like
Wanna go to my bar's trivia night with me? You get to pick the team name.
Wow! Sure! I will pick a name that is super embarrassing. Are we already friends? How much I embarrass us hinges on whether I know you and/or how far I have to travel to get to trivia night.
What makes you happy?
“to be the eyes and ears and conscience of the creator of the universe”
I'm hosting punk rock karaoke →
facebook.com
Feb 3rd, Beauty Bar, Zine Fest fundraiser, go!
THE FACT THAT I WILL NOT BE ABLE TO ATTEND PUNK KARAOKE BY MY APARTMENT, AS OPPOSED TO OVER AT ARLENE’S GROCERY, GIVES ME A DISTINCT CAPS-LOCK TYPE OF GRIEF
blockbuster night
- Guy: So you just want to re-rent these.
- Me: Yes, please.
- Guy: Didn't get a chance to watch 'em?
- Me: Well...! HOW am I supposed to make time for 'The Client List' when 'Untouchable: the Drew Peterson Story' was on Lifetime tonight.
- Guy: You can't!
- Me: I know!
- Other guy: She'll save money if she just keeps them.
- Me: What's that?
- Other guy: It's 99 cents for every day overdue. So just pay the 99 cents, instead of paying a dollar 99 to rent them again.
- Me: Ooh.
- Guy: Wanna do that instead?
- Me: [puts DVDs in purse] Thanks for saving me two dollars!
- Guy: Yeah!
- Me: Unless this is going to affect my credit rating.
- Guy: Oh, no. They don't actually ever see--
- Me: I'm kidding.
- Guy: Oh, OK.
good morning
- Me: Whatcha think? How's it looking in there?
- Ultrasonographer: I can't tell you that! You will have to ask your doctor that!
- Me: Uh. Yes, of course.
Meet the Star of Tonight’s ‘Criminal Minds,’ Jeff Newburg →
evilbeetgossip.com
I know I posted a bunch of cute things earlier, but they weren’t going into the actual interview. Here is the actual interview instead.
Sorry, Tony
- Jeff: My friends made this show that is just so, so good, Jenny. But, like, [Gubler] did a guest spot on it, Tony Hale did a guest spot on it---
- Jenny: Hngh. Yeah, Tony Hale is good.
- Jeff: I think Buster is the towering comedic performance of our time.
- Jenny: I liked that show that failed. What was that? What am I thinking of?
- Jeff: Andy Richter Controls the Universe, maybe?
- Jenny: No. It was the other--
- Jeff: --the other Andy Richter show. The detective show?
- Jenny: The detective procedural. Right. And Tony Hale was on that, and I was like "This is gonna be so good!" and then one day I was just like "This is so not on TV right now, when I expected it to be," and I was very upset.
- Jeff: Yeah, man. Yeah. He--he blows my mind.
- Jenny: I am getting really sidetracked. I don't know how much we need to talk about Tony Hale in your interview.
- Jeff: Yeah, probably not at all.
I am supposed to work this part in "organically"
- Jeff: Could you please find a way to include your confusion of Joe Mantegna with Joe Montana? Could you please? My word! "It's like that time Joe Mantegna threw that touchdown pass to Dwight Clark! That was so great! Remember?"
- Jenny: You know I love the 49ers.
- Jeff: The *one* football team you could have gotten right.
- Jenny: No, I know, it's horrible. No, I know--I *kind* of know--who Joe Mantegna is.
- Jeff: He's Fat Tony, Jenny!
- Jenny: What?
- Jeff: He's Fat Tony! From the Simpsons!
- Jenny: Oh! Is that true?
- Jeff: The mob boss? Yeah. I mean, he's a million things.
- Jenny: OK, who else is on the show. Mark Harmon? Mark Harmon, right?
- Jeff: No. That's NCIS.
This, however, stays.
- Jenny: So what is this show called?
- Jeff: It's this little independent project called Criminal Minds.
- Jenny: Oh! I've heard of that!
- Jeff: 'Cause you're super plugged-in to the art film scene.
- Jenny: Yes. That's right. Explain to me who you are?
- Jeff: Uh.
- Jenny: 'Cause I have never seen you before in my life.
- Jeff: Yeah, very good.
This part probably won't be in the final draft of the interview, either
- Jenny: Have you *been* to San Francisco's Chinatown?
- Jeff: Oh, yeah. A couple times.
- Jenny: Really?
- Jeff: Yeah.
- Jenny: Do you know that once I, uh--I'd never seen Chinatown so crowded. And people were moving up the street and sidewalk in two lanes. And we were all just slowly squeezing past one another. And *that* is how I slowly *squeezed* *past* David Krumholtz and his shopping bag. And as I slowly pressed myself by him and stared up at him in stunned awe, I contemplated shouting 'Nuh, nuh, Numbers!' at him, something terrible, or 'The Santa Clause'! It would've been one of the two--and instead I just *stared* at him as I sloooowly pressed past him, just in this awful, oozing flow of traffic. It was really, um, like a viscous movement of people in opposite directions. Yeah! Like a street grinding on itself.
- Jeff: Well played. Good celebrity encounter.
- Jenny: Yes, just like slowly--just, yeah, "Is now the time to say hello? No, it isn't. This moment passed."
- Jeff: Yeah, probably.
- Jenny: Reeeeeeally slowly, though. Because of the crowd. And it was very loud.
