iPhone texts in progress
Chris: Do you know how to cook beef heart?
Me: UGH THIS AGAIN
Me: Here is how: make a hamburger like a normal person
Chris: I WILL LIVE OFF OF BEEF HEART FOR THREE WEEKZ
Me: OK, ew.
Chris: Also, A) I already bought half a pound, and B) it's apparently like the leanest, most tender cut. Cheap, too.
Chris: Plus, if I wasn't this weird we wouldn't be friends.
Me: Tee hee
Chris: It's grass-fed and locally-sourced, too, so for three bucks it was a no-brainer.
Me: Grass-fed heart
Me: Local heart
Me: No-brainer heart
Chris: Grass-fed heart, local heart: the new single from REM
Chris: I also plan on finding an Aztec prayer to say beforehand. Like, the kind after a ballgame.
Me: Heart, heart, the musical part
Me: The more you eat the more you fart
Me: The more you eat the stronger you get
Me: Heart, heart, for Satanists
Chris: So, if I live off of beef heart, will I need Fartypants?
Me: Yes. Hail Satan.
Chris: Will you call me Captain Beefheart?
Me: I'll call you Anton Beefheart.
Me: Fuckin' heretic.
Chris: "Here is my card," the mysterious man says to you. The card reads, "Dr. Anton Beefheart DFA. Heretic, Satanist." Directions are north, south, and jhonka.
Chris: Don Woods, eat your heart out.
Chris: See wha I did thur?
Me: I have zero clue what you did thur.
Me: (iPhone autocorrected to "Thursday")
Me: OK I context-clued into who Don Woods is